A morbid conversation between parent-to-be

“I’m going to read the baby nursery rhymes. Maybe he’ll enjoy it and stop bruising my bladder”

“What nursery rhymes you have in mind?”

“Oh something I too would enjoy reading. I hate Twinkle Little Star. Or Baa Baa Black Sheep. I so would gag if I have to read that out loud. You have anything in mind?”

“Hmmm… Humpty Dumpty?”

“Ookay… Reading to a baby about horrible accident of a mutant egg. No, thank you. I don’t think I would like to expose the baby with violence at this early stage. What about Jack and Jill?”

“Jack and Jill went up the hill… Wait. You sure you want the baby to hear the rest? Jack will break his crown and Jill will tumbling after that”

“Eek! No! Next! Oh Little Miss Muffet is a nice nursery rhymes”

“Nope. Miss Muffet is scared to death of spiders. We don’t want the baby to have arachnephobia, do we?”

“Goodness, no. Even Rock-a-bye-baby is scary. Why is it so popular anyway? It’s so dark especially the cradle and the baby falling and all. THAT’S BLOODY GRUESOME, OKAY!”

“How about The Three Blind Mice? Three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run, see how they run, they all ran after the farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife, did you ever see such a thing in your life, as three blind mice?”

“OH. MAI. GAWD. IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? THAT IS SO PYSCHOTIC! My baby’s going to be mice murderers if he listens to that! We won’t be able to bring him to Disneyland. He’ll be busy chopping Mickey Mouse’s tail!”

“Listen to this: Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened the birds began to sing,
Oh wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?
The king was in his counting house counting out his money,
The queen was in the parlor eating bread and honey
The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes,
When down came a blackbird and pecked off her nose! Wow. I just realized how morbid our nursery rhymes are”

“I wonder is that the reason I’m a little whathefuck in the brain?”

“No comment”


Anonymous said...

Haha... You're too funny. You make me see nursery rhymes in a different light. My baby loves it if we read or sing to her especially this French baby song, Alouette. She must think she's European hahaha....


Balqiz said...

Hey I know that song! But do read the lyric and meaning... It's brutal!


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