Last Installment of What I Called the Experimental Junky

I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but in great deeds ~Christian D. Larson


It's Okay

"It’s okay to want someone you can’t have. It’s okay to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it’s always going to be okay. That’s just how it works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on" ~Kristian C.


Coz When I'm With You...

... the sky's a beautiful mix of blue


I See Nothing Like They Were Meant To Be

While there is perhaps a province in which the photograph can tell us nothing more than what we see with our own eyes, there is another in which it proves to us how little our eyes permit us to see ~Dorothea Lange 


Just Because I Own a Camera, It Does NOT Mean I Am a Photographer

I just want to see the beauty unfold.


Wedding Drama Part … (I lost count)

Trust Me. It Means Nothing.

What are the meanings behind those photos I attached/took?


Really, there are no meanings, message or anything behind it.

I just like to create and manipulate and voila!

When there’s an image floating in my head, I try my very best to form it. If I don’t the image will haunt me till the day I say "OKAY! OKAY! I’LL TAKE MY BLOODY CAMERA AND SHOOT YOU AND WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AFTER THAT?" and so that’s how it all started.


Nothing special.


Hey You! Yes, You!

If I ever push you away, I don’t really mean to. When I tell you I don’t want to talk about it... I do... I am just looking for the right words. Give me a minute, and if I can tell you; I will. I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time. At the moment, I am working on the ratio. When I get really quiet sometimes it is because I have too much to say. I have thought of too many things to tell you all at once and I don’t know what to say first. I get immaturely jealous of anyone who gets to see you on a daily basis. I miss you really easily. But I also like that we can be apart and we are both okay. Space is good too. I love the way we love some of the same things and I love how we love entirely different things. My head is a complicated pile of thoughts, fears, cravings, and dreams and this tangled up nostalgia for the past and somehow for the future. I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and I am trying. I am one person and I have two hands and I have one heart. And I love you. And I am so glad to be with you ~Tumblr


Bad News Folks...

Due to some complication, Phoebe had to undergo caesarian in order to take out the kittens which were stuck in her womb for already 14 hours. It was a sad moment for all of us when we found out that all kittens were already dead in her tummy and the BLOODY SURGERY COST US A SOLID RM750 FOR FUCK SAKE!

And NONE of the kittens survive! **inhale** Calm down, me. Calm down. It’s ok... It’s water under the bridge already. It’s not her fault that SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY GIVE BIRTH LIKE A NORMAL CAT STUPID IDIOT PAMPERED DAMN PHOEBE! **Inhale**Inhale** The main thing is Talullah Phoebe is okay.

Whatevfu...! Gross!!!!!

And as a pay back to her for bankrupting us whole family, we gave her a new necklace. Tada! (insert maniacal evil laughter)

The Cone of Shame! *snort*giggle*snort*guffaw*

Hey! We never claim to be normal so whatev!

All photos are courtesy of my brother via his phone (who most of the time suffering from the uncontrolablle bouts of nasty giggles)


Bite Me

Balqiz, there are people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you gotta do is turn around and say, "Watch me"


Whoever Thought Someone So Wrong, Would Turn Out To Be So Perfect?

You showed to me over and over again that things always happened for a reason and now I'm a believer coz everything that I went through, led me to you.


Every So Often I Reached My Happiness Peak and Then It All Went Downhill After That

... and then, I make a wish and I feel better again.


Last Installment of Pretty Her

"Gasp! Watcha doing sneaking up on me liddat?"

"Go lick my paw, you idiot"


When You Got It, Flaunt It

It's a great feeling knowing you can buy something without bothering to look at the price tag. Work it!


My Dear Diary Moment

Honestly, I feel like quitting. I want to stop, take a breather and never look back in regret.

But that’s bullshit. I know I’ll regret it.

But I just can’t bring myself to continue it anymore.

Every day, I battle with myself to end this mockery of studious me when in fact all I want to do is take the thick bloody book and throw it out the window and hope to God it’ll hit my noisy wailing neighbour’s kid.

Last paper this semester is this coming Monday. Last assignment’s due date is midnight tonight.

I spent the whole week weeping in bed instead.

What a waste.

The mister helped me a lot in this last paper. He who doesn’t know shit about Gestalt’s theories and studies now is now Gestalt’s little reincarnation. A walking talking Gestalt. God bless his sweet, helpful heart.

Truly, I’m just lazy. There. I’ve said it. How did the rest accomplished this successfully is beyond me.

That’s one.

Two, ever since the Mister went back, I was thrown in a whirl of unexplainable bouts of extreme moodiness. It’s like I’ve fallen into a black hole and my companions are my pillows and my endless bout of weepiness. I feel depressed, confused and lost. There are times I told him I want to cancel the wedding. Call it bride jitters or whatev shits you have in mind, but honestly I’m scared silly. Is this the right thing to do? Will I be happy? Is he the right man for me? Will he makes me happy? Will I be a good loving wife? Is this what I want?

So I asked myself... Why do I want to get married?

My answer is simple. Being married, I feel complete. A husband to take care of, to love, to accompany, to cherish, to support and to take away the loneliness that screams so loud each and every time I close my eyes at night... the feeling is indescribable. I went through it once and I instantly know that position is where I belong and even though circumstances turned everything into a nightmare, there is a remnant of the content, the bliss and the feeling of being belong and whole remain in me.

Besides, I don’t want to go through life not experiencing motherhood. And now I met a man who wanted the same thing and value the same matter (family, love, togetherness), I shouldn’t be scared. I should be happy instead.

Sigh. I guess I’m not sure of myself anymore. I don’t trust my judgement in people anymore. I trusted myself last time. Then I was lied, betrayed and broken. But luckily I was left with just one thing... faith. I put my whole entire being in the hand of God and have faith that He will lead me to the right path, to determine the right thing for me and the perfect man for me.

Based on how this relationship has been going on, I can see the road towards matrimony has never been so smooth. As soon as we got engaged, the planning for the wedding goes easily without bumps whatsoever. We seldom argue. I think so far we only fought 3 times since we started seeing each other. And in the next 2 months, we’ll be 1 year together. We laugh a lot, tease each other immensely, had so much fun together and despite my constant bouts of depression, he has been there to keep me company, listening and understand me and most importantly, love me and accept me the way I am. He doesn’t run away from problem. He insisted we talk (or I talk) about the problems we’re facing and at the same time, gives me plenty of time and space to muddle in my problems in my own way. He cares about me in a way that nobody; NOBODY has ever taken care of me before and for once in my life, I feel a burden has been lifted off my shoulder... someone is here to take care of me, instead of the other way around.

So what’s my concern? Nothing actually. Just pure common old, bride jitters.

As what my friend said, “Syaitan tok sik suka hamba Allah menghalalkan hubungan sidak. So bila dah dekat nak nikah, adalah nya datang menghasut macam-macam”

That, Balqiz, is the answer to all your worries.

Later days!


In This Hot Afternoon, I Sure Wish There's This Yummy Dish in Front of Me

Rojak buah!

*Drooling like a goldfish in a desert*


What Goes Around Comes Around

Hey home wreckers, I see you try in vain to justify your actions and I only have one word to say: Karma.


I'm Gonna Miss It...

...A lot when they moved to a new house.

This place had fed me, clothed me and raised me to be who I am today.

As what my brother said, "We're gonna look back one day and remember this place and we're gonna remember the magic we created here before"

Sniff. I can't help getting tearey eyed over this... and they haven't move out yet! Sniff.


Wedding Drama Part II (Prewed Photo II)

Along Samiun, one of the Picuclix photographer, captured the candid side of my prewed and I must say, I'm impressed!

I never look good in candid photos before but, but, but here, he successfully and awesomely captured the sweet, funny and hilarious moments during the photoshoot and I look OKAY! Not fantabulous but still... I LOOK OKAY!

In candid photos I usually and most of the time, resembles someone who is chocking to death (mouth wide open, eyes bulging out like a baby Troll and drools, yes, sometimes there are drools) and sometimes I ended up giving the camera my super bitch face (eyes hooded as if I just murdered someone's pet or some shit).

Definately not a photo you would like to keep as memory sake. Nope. Nope.

But but but here! Ta-da! Suprise, me!

Thanks Along! Fantabulously good job!

Check out the slideshow!


Oh Not Her Again!

She's so pretty under the sun beam!


Buns in the Oven!

Talullah Phoebe is very, very grumpy. "No touchie her tummy!", she growled.

Can't wait to see her little minions!


Drawing a Creative Blank

Currently, obsessed with lomo.

Currently, busy with final exams (2 papers to go!)

Currently, frantically trying to submit 2 assignments before my ADD stab my knees with a fork.

Currently, trying my best to organize 2 charity programs before end of this month (Apparently I was sleep-walking to work one day and volunteered myself to do it. Both. Yup. Douche bag)

Currently, all I want to say to people whenever they ask me, "So how's the wedding preparation going on?" is "WHO CARES? NOBODY CARES!!!!" but I just said that in my head coz I'm tired to talk let alone snarl my head off.

Currently, I'm tired and exhausted and a teeny-weeny-bit stressed up juggling EVERY-FUCKING-THING. Sorry. I'm PMSing. Men, it means I'm bleeding. Through my nose. Hah! You suck.

Later days.


Wedding Drama Part II (Prewed Photo I)

The pre-wedding photoshoot.

No one would believe me that I. DO. NOT. KNOW. HOW. TO. BE. PHOTOGRAPHED. There. I bet you don’t believe too huh? When a camera points my way, automatically my body and face will have a mind of their own. How? I contorted into another being known as the "Kenjet". What is a "kenjet"? I’ve no explanation. Please ask other Sarawakians, thank you very much. Suffice to say, a model I am so not.

The photographers, bless their adorable souls, are super patient with me.

I can give them a good angle and a desirable, good pose but in the next second, I burst out laughing and spoil the entire scene. And that happen a gazillion million times that Ras almost chew his camera in frustration.

They even have to BEG for me not to laugh. Theeheehee!

After an hour of photoshoot, as always, my attention span went berserk. My mind drifted to another universe and I couldn’t care less what they were shooting. Whether I look like a baboon wearing a black dress or my photos scream "FUUUUUUUDGEEEE!", I was beyond caring. I was so exhausted and that made me easily irritated at the Mister coz he kept teasing me. I swear his eyeballs were dangerously asking to be stabbed with stick when he kept saying, "Why are you lips shaking? Why can’t I look at you? Why this? Why that?" Oh for crying out loud, Love! If I don’t love you I can guarantee your corpse will be floating in Miri’s river very, very soon!

By the way, when I’m tired, funny-ha-ha is funny-get-the-fuck-out-of-my-face-already-will-ya. I can’t abide anything close to the word 'tease' unless you would like me to boil your head then by all means, full steam ahead.
At the end of the day, I just stand there; smile a tiny smile and breath, breath, breath.

I was nervous on how the photos gonna look like.

I was so nervous; I couldn’t stop drawing tiny circles all over the walls.

And these, are so far, the teaser for moment. AYLAVIT! Check out the slideshow ^_^

Check out the Mister's blog!

Later days!

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