My Dear Diary Moment

Honestly, I feel like quitting. I want to stop, take a breather and never look back in regret.

But that’s bullshit. I know I’ll regret it.

But I just can’t bring myself to continue it anymore.

Every day, I battle with myself to end this mockery of studious me when in fact all I want to do is take the thick bloody book and throw it out the window and hope to God it’ll hit my noisy wailing neighbour’s kid.

Last paper this semester is this coming Monday. Last assignment’s due date is midnight tonight.

I spent the whole week weeping in bed instead.

What a waste.

The mister helped me a lot in this last paper. He who doesn’t know shit about Gestalt’s theories and studies now is now Gestalt’s little reincarnation. A walking talking Gestalt. God bless his sweet, helpful heart.

Truly, I’m just lazy. There. I’ve said it. How did the rest accomplished this successfully is beyond me.

That’s one.

Two, ever since the Mister went back, I was thrown in a whirl of unexplainable bouts of extreme moodiness. It’s like I’ve fallen into a black hole and my companions are my pillows and my endless bout of weepiness. I feel depressed, confused and lost. There are times I told him I want to cancel the wedding. Call it bride jitters or whatev shits you have in mind, but honestly I’m scared silly. Is this the right thing to do? Will I be happy? Is he the right man for me? Will he makes me happy? Will I be a good loving wife? Is this what I want?

So I asked myself... Why do I want to get married?

My answer is simple. Being married, I feel complete. A husband to take care of, to love, to accompany, to cherish, to support and to take away the loneliness that screams so loud each and every time I close my eyes at night... the feeling is indescribable. I went through it once and I instantly know that position is where I belong and even though circumstances turned everything into a nightmare, there is a remnant of the content, the bliss and the feeling of being belong and whole remain in me.

Besides, I don’t want to go through life not experiencing motherhood. And now I met a man who wanted the same thing and value the same matter (family, love, togetherness), I shouldn’t be scared. I should be happy instead.

Sigh. I guess I’m not sure of myself anymore. I don’t trust my judgement in people anymore. I trusted myself last time. Then I was lied, betrayed and broken. But luckily I was left with just one thing... faith. I put my whole entire being in the hand of God and have faith that He will lead me to the right path, to determine the right thing for me and the perfect man for me.

Based on how this relationship has been going on, I can see the road towards matrimony has never been so smooth. As soon as we got engaged, the planning for the wedding goes easily without bumps whatsoever. We seldom argue. I think so far we only fought 3 times since we started seeing each other. And in the next 2 months, we’ll be 1 year together. We laugh a lot, tease each other immensely, had so much fun together and despite my constant bouts of depression, he has been there to keep me company, listening and understand me and most importantly, love me and accept me the way I am. He doesn’t run away from problem. He insisted we talk (or I talk) about the problems we’re facing and at the same time, gives me plenty of time and space to muddle in my problems in my own way. He cares about me in a way that nobody; NOBODY has ever taken care of me before and for once in my life, I feel a burden has been lifted off my shoulder... someone is here to take care of me, instead of the other way around.

So what’s my concern? Nothing actually. Just pure common old, bride jitters.

As what my friend said, “Syaitan tok sik suka hamba Allah menghalalkan hubungan sidak. So bila dah dekat nak nikah, adalah nya datang menghasut macam-macam”

That, Balqiz, is the answer to all your worries.

Later days!




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