The Real Deal Behind All The Smiles and Carefree Laughter -Baby Making Part 21

Due to the sensitivity of this matter, I am protecting this post.


To loyal readers, the password is the same as all the Baby Making post which were previously protected.

To new readers, please email me at balqizdotcom [at] yahoo dot com for password.

Thank you

Guess What?

Baby Making -Part 21

Every time someone ask me, how am handling my first pregnancy, I would say, GREAT! No problem! Everything’s peachy!

But only the Mister, my mom and my close friends know how I suffer during this pregnancy. Like really, really suffer.

In the first trimester, I had the world worst gastrick, fever, cough, back pain and cramps and I since I don’t dare to take medicines, I had to bear with it and suffered silently.  My cough was so bad that few times I broke down and cried hard coz I was scared the cough might harm my baby. Every time I had gastrick, I had to ask the mister to help me “buang angin” (wind) by massaging my back. I had fever 2-3 times I lost count and left me paralyzed in bed. These illnesses attacked again and again for the whole 3 months until all I could do was just whisper tiny moans like a dying whale on a beach. I was beaten THAT BAD.

Then in second trimester, for the first time in my life, I peed one red tiny worm and FREAKED THE F**K OUT. The doctor couldn’t find out why and how it happened and couldn’t prescribe me any kind of medication except just to advice me to drink more water.

In my fifth month of pregnancy, my right rib bones started to throb painfully that I couldn’t sleep for many nights. At first I thought it was fractured due to my heavy coughing (which I still have UNTIL NOW) but after a while the pain subsided. It came again a week later and this time it swelled badly and again I couldn’t move or lie down or sit or anything without wincing in pain. Doctor AGAIN couldn’t find what’s wrong with me so I decided to do my own research. After much reading online, I decided it MIGHT be because of the food I ate. I started to reduce my food intake, avoid spicy and salty food and lo behold! The pain went away.

Then my feet started to swell and it was so painful for me to walk especially in the morning. I reduced my salt intake, lifted my feet up and drink plenty of water. Nothing changed. My feet and ankle still resembles an abominable snowman’s feet until now.

On 12th October 2011, on the way back home after dinner, I coughed so hard, my amniotic fluid leaked and soaked my whole panties and stained my dress. The mister drove me to the hospital at the speed of 140km/h. The doctor admitted me for 48 hours observation. My baby, during scanning, was in an excellent health, active and was doing somersault and showing off to all my family members (who rushed to the hospital as soon as I told them what happened) that he’s fine and healthy. On the third day, I was discharged with a strict instruction that I stay in bed for 2 weeks, no work, no moving about, no house chores, and no nothing.

Now, now I have insomnia problem. I couldn’t sleep. Not. A . Bloody. Wink. Every night, I would wake up every one hour. Total hours of sleep: less than 3 hours. In the day, I spend my time watching TV or read but I still couldn’t close my eyes and sleep. Total hours of sleep in 24 hours: less than 5 hours. 

On my latest follow up check up, the doctor said I have TOO MUCH amniotic fluid. It could be a sign of diabetes or Polyhydramnios. Ya Allah... Banyak nya dugaan Mu Ya Allah...

After a blood check, doctor said I'm clean. No diabetes. Then what is wrong with me then? He said to come again in 3-4 weeks time for follow up.

I am scared, worried, stressed and depressed with all these sickness coming my way. I rather have it all to myself. I rather suffer but God, please spare my baby... 

I wish I can end this post with a happy note but the only glorious thing I can think of is that feeling my baby kicking hard every day and every morning when I wake up, is the only thing that keeps me going.

Please God, make my beautiful baby healthy, normal and perfect. Hanya Engkau maha berkuasa, lagi maha pemurah lagi maha penyayang. Amin...

Sneak Peak: Mi Casa

On the computer table:
The mister's action figures, our wedding door gift (a white wedding cake shape candle), the mister's stash of coffee candy and our photo together.

My collection of fortune cats and souvenirs I collected from places I traveled:

Sadly, I had to throw away the broken, rusty and chip ones. Sucks innit?

That is why I prefer fridge magnets as souvenirs. My collection of souvenir magnets over the years:

It's easy to handle, not so fragile, pretty to look at and at the same time, easy for me to keep track on where I've travel and all. Friends and family who knows I collected these helps to contribute some and filled my fridge with places I've never even been too!

Bought these in Ikea the last time I went to KL:

My daily dosage of massive giggles and laughter. Must. Watch. Every. Day:

Sweet memories must always be visible to the naked eyes to reminds us how lucky we are that we're together:

Till then, ciao!

Oy I am so rusty in this...

Thank you for all the comments left in this blog, emails, DM in Twitter, and messages in Facebook.

Thank you for the support, the scolding and the telling me off for being such a pussy, the genuine regrets, the congratulations and the word of encouragement.

Honestly, I didn't know I have THAT many readers. I didn't know my decision (whom some called SELFISH and COWARDICE) actually rattle (or some used the word “disturbing”) A LOT of people.

I haven't reply not one of your emails, DMs, comments and messages.

Why? Because I don't know what to say. Indeed I am touched. Indeed some words were hurtful and made me angry. Indeed some were encouraging and made me rethink of my decision.

I consulted the Mister. Again.

I seek my friends advice. For the first time.

I asked some 'taiko' bloggers opinions. With my face all red, ashamed and embarrassed I DARE to ask these famous people about my puny, tiny blog.


Okay, my husband didn't say that. Others did.

And there is this nice lady blogger whom I have been following for ages emailed me and said, “I received tons of shits thrown at me. But I continue on. Blogging is my source of income. It is also my pride and joy. I am not going to let haters take it away from me”

What a reality check. A slap in the face. An awakening.

Truthfully, I miss blogging. I don't know why. I can't explain why I love blogging. Is it because for my own satisfaction seeing my words/photos publish online? Is it because of the knowledge that people are coming here and become a regular, liking and addicted with what I put in my blog? Is it because I am famewhore? Maybe it is all that. Maybe not. I don't know. I just know there's a giant pull that makes me love blogging more than Facebooking or Twittering every hour of the day.

Am I back?


Give me time.

Let me adjust my mentality by pushing those haters/gossipers words out of my mind. And maybe in time, I'll be tougher. For me, for my blog and for my little family.

Thank you. I appreciate each and every one of you.

The End.

I am not so naive as to think that I am without haters and enemies. I am frank, blunt, misunderstood, bitchy and downright rude. For that, I am a magnet for people to dislike me and of course, a magnet for gossipmongers.

Having my life blog, though I do not write in details, I am still risking alot. I am putting myself for public judgement and intense scrutinization. I am also feeding those gossipmongers more fuel to gossip behind my back.

Yet, I am still here. I know there are those who come here wholly interested to read what I write. Some even become my friends in real life. But I also know there are ALOT of other people coming here, following my blog deligently, read and bitch about me to their friends and family.

If these people are strangers, I can accept it. But most are not. Most are people I know or people my family know. These are people from my hometown. And sadly, some are even my own family (direct family excluded)

My pregnant photos are taken and showed to others by these people.

My pregnancy stories spread like wildfire from one mouth to another and it has been twisted and turn and become a story farther than truth.

My rambling thoughts and nonsense that has nothing to do with my life or anything for that matter has being discussed, analyzed and ridiculed.

My wedding stories become a huge issue for some family members until some don't even want to talk to me anymore.

And many more. Many, many more.

And yet I persevere.

Why? Because I have nothing to lose.

I have no secrets to hide. I am an open book and I am fine by it. I don't want to hide from embracing the truth in my life.

But now... Now I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with a sweet, beautiful, adorably active little boy and I want to protect him from all these malicious people coming here to judge him, scrutinize him, and criticize him when he's born.

I can accept shits thrown at me. But not at my baby. It would not be fair for him.

So today, after much thought, I decided to stop. Oh I will still blog. I love writing. But not now. Someday, maybe. Here. Or elsewhere. God knows.

This is the end of a long journey.

Thank you, all, for reading all these while.


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