To teach, to wake you up and to change for the better

Most people don’t realize that when a great disaster hit them, it is not to punish or to blame others or worst; to break their souls. It is actually to shake them up and get them to realize, “HEY DUMBASS! YOU’VE BEEN ASLEEP ALL THESE WHILE. WAKE UP!” It’s harsh but that is one way to open their eyes that changes need to be made or lessons need to be learnt.

Let me give an example:

My first real disaster was when I first witnessed my dad beating the living hell out of my mom when I was… 3 years old. The beating continued until I was 5 (or 6). At that young age, I had my first experience of feeling utterly and completely helpless, terrified and confused. All I can do that time was to cry and plead to my dad to stop and hide. I never felt safe back then. My dad, whom was very close to me, gave me mix feeling; are you the person I trust or are you the person I should stay far, far away from? Being a daddy’s girl made it even worst. I was insecure because anytime he would turn into a rampaging monster and beat my mom to death.

As I grow older, my dad expected that I would hate him (my parents divorced and I lived with my mom and had no contact with my dad until I was 12 years old) but I didn’t. I was scared of him. Hate and scared is two different things. He tried to bribe me to love him back by showering me with gifts and money. The buying my love thing went on until I was 20. One day, we had a big fight. He accused me for not appreciating his gifts and money and that I was self-centered and said I was just like my mother, who would run away when faced with problems (he said this because I was hiding in my room whenever we had a confrontation). In midst of anger, I screamed at him that he was making it so easy for me to take and take and that if I were my mom with an abuser as a husband, I would be too stupid to stay and face beating after beating. Don’t worry. We reconciled back after that. But his words lingered. When I was 25, it clicked. He was right in one thing, I ran away when I faced with problems. Instead of dealing with it, I hide. It took me 5 years to realize this after series of problems faced and endless stories of me running away, escaping from facing the real thing.

What truly opened my eyes was that my way of handling problem was reflected back by a guy I was in a relationship with. When confronted with problems, he would hide and ignore and well, run away. It irked me badly till I see it as a weakness. How could a man run away? A man! A woman who cowers, I can accept. But a man? When we split up, it was another disaster I added in my resume. A big disaster that marked me for life. For those who know me well, you know what I’m talking about.

After series of problems given to me and I still hasn’t learnt, God gave me the biggest disaster I never foresee to happen. And only then, I learned. So you see , that disaster was God’s way to wake me up. I woke up and I decided I REFUSE to run away. It’s a weak trait and dammit I am NOT weak!
Well, it took me another 5 years to learn HOW not to run away and to deal with problems even when I am at fault. To most people, this means little. To me, it means the world. In my current life now, I am braver to admit my fault. Even when I’m right, I fight my way with my head held up high. No more running away. This serves me well especially when there’s a lot of bumps in life.

Disasters are either to teach you, wake you or change you for the better.

Smile Baby Boy, Smile

Slightly better. Thank you, God!

It's a total bitch to blog via phone. Until I have my iPad or iMac back, I won't be blogging much. I'm still on Twitter and Instagram so be seeing y'all there!

Baby boy, get well soon

Someone has been feeling under the weather and because of that, I had to rush home and take care of him.

Poor guy had watery eyes, sniffles and slight temperature. Nothing to be alarmed about but since this is the first time he's unwell, I pulled a crazy driving stunt due to anxiety. Needless to say, I left a long trail of confused drivers on road, thinking, "DID THAT CAR JUST FLEW?!" Why yes. Yes it did.

I hope he feels better tomorrow. He velcroed himself onto my chest since I got to him and... I need to pee badly...

We iz no coward!

Inspired and slightly adapted by Apple's advertisement in 1997 (What? As famously quote by Steve Job, "It's more fun to be a pirate than to join the navy"), I came up with one of my own dedicated to those who are tired of being labeled, bullied and taken for granted just because we opt to keep quiet despite being wronged. Here's to us. Here's to freedom to speak back.

Kaisan's First Experience with Education

I don’t know about you but before this, I told myself I would never expose my kids to devices such as iPod, iPhone and iPad. I even frowned upon kids watching TV.

I was quite old fashion in this matter because I was brought up READING instead of watching TV so I was ignorantly assumed that kids watching TV would not learn as much as those who reads.

When I got pregnant with Kaisan, I gave myself the scenario of WHAT IF my baby watch TV and what are the cause and effect of doing so. I did a research on the matter and by the end of the day, I was satisfied to know that kids can learn ANYTHING in ANY KIND OF FORM be it books, TV, traveling, associating with people and so and so forth. I even found a website that listed out what TV shows are good for kids to learn even at a young age as 1 day old. One of the listed was Sesame Street.

Well, I grew up watching Sesame Street (the ONLY TV series my mom allowed us to follow that time. Aside from that, McGyver!) and I looooooove Cookie Monster! So, few weeks before Kaisan was born, I downloaded as many Sesame Street Podcasts as I can.

When Kaisan was few weeks old, I propped my iPad next to him and played the Sesame Street. I watched it together with him and recalled back some of the memories I myself had by watching the familiar faces, songs and characters. Safe to say, both mother and son had a good time watching Sesame Street. Every. Single. Day.

By the way, Kaisan’s favorite character is Elmo. Sigh. Why must the whiny red puppet, son? WHY?


Kaisan mumbled, "Have a relaxing, sleepy & McDreamy Friday, folks"

Not A Soccer Mom Part 1 -House Cleaning

Referring to my dilemma I posted HERE, I sorta solved a bit of my time issues. S-O-R-T-A.

Don’t know whether I’ve mentioned it before (I could check in my archive but who does that?) but I’m very anal when it comes to cleanliness. I have a certain rules imbedded in my system that certain things in the house SHOULD NOT BE REMOVED, TOUCHED OR EVEN LOOKED AT. Anything being taken off the shelf SHOULD BE PUT BACK TO ITS ORIGINAL PLACE, FACING WEST AND TILTED SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT and of course, NOTHING, AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SHOULD BE ON THE SOFA EXCEPT YOUR BUTT. NOT YOUR FEET, YOUR BODY OR GOD FORBID, YOUR BAG.

So when I hardly have time to clean the house, I went totally bonkers seeing shoes NOT WHERE IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE, dust collecting ON THE CABINETS, STUFF ON PLACES WHERE THERE’S SUPPOSE TO BE ONLY BOOKS and HOLY SHITHOLES ARE THOSE LINT ON MY CARPETS?

See? Bonkers.

So, in order for me to have a clean and proper dust-clutter-free house, I hired a house cleaner to come once a week. I admit it cost me a bit but it's worth every penny- I have plenty of time to rest, leisure and fill my time with my family. It also helps me to relax my ataxophobia, in which I say, money well spend!

The cleaner cleans my house from top to bottom, in and out and every nook and crannies and a whole 360 degrees viewpoint. Aside from that, she also helps to FOLD ALL MY CLOTHES OHHHHHHHHHHHHGASM!

My house, though only single-story is pretty sizable and spacey. Sweeping, vacuuming and mopping the entire house takes a lot of time, strength and energy.

Problem one –settled. Next!

An Apple A Day Keep Me Alive and Sane

I do not know how am I going to FUNCTION this few weeks without my trusty iMac and iPad.

I gave my iPad to my mom because hers was missing and she was having the nastiest gamer withdrawal ever –woke up at 3am, wandering aimlessly in her house muttering, “Bejewelled… Words With Friends… Hanging With Friends…” over and over again. It freaked her maids rather badly.

But once I gave her mine, “I” experienced my own withdrawal –no device to read all the blogs I subscribe! It’s so tedious to use my iPhone because scrolling with my thumb is a bitch.

So I went to Miri’s Apple Store to buy the iPad 3 but lo behold! They were out of stock. Gah! What’s worst, on the same day itself I found out I have to send my iMac for repair! I don’t know how and why and where, suddenly there’s a vertical red/green line in the middle of the Mac’s screen and after an intensive Googling, I found out that it’s what a layman would called, “IT’S BROKEN SHIIIIIIIIIT THIIIIIISSSS!”

Ok, it's not that bad and it actually don't disturb the function but I just can't bear to see defect on my things! And because my warranty expire in 3 days time (WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? Way to pressure me till my head explodes), by hook or by crook, my Mac must be sent out as soon as possible.

So, without my iPad, I can’t read blogs, connect with the cyber people who are maybe greasy, hairy and smelly behind their computer screen (what?) and worst of all, I can’t distract Kaisan with his daily Sesame Street Podcast.

And without my iMac, I can’t doodle away with vectors, no blogging, no Photoshop and no printing photos. Just when I just bought myself a Bamboo Tablet! WHY, Me? WHY?

It’s like being stab repeatedly with a fork!

Yes, yes. My workstation is so dull. And I was working on a friend’s business logo when I took this photo.

I could order from online the iPad 3 but I rather pay cash than using my credit card so this is really bummer.

Worst, new assignment will be out this weekend. I'm doomed.

Alina's Doa Selamat

Last weekend was my sister’s daughter’s Doa Selamat. I could’ve made it a shorter sentence by saying ‘my niece’s Doa Selamat’ right? But noooo… I just love to waste my time typing extra long sentences.

Anyway, my sister and me agreed that this event was the first occasion in my family that there was no disaster that happen. Usually, when there’s a gathering as big as this, there would be an argument or we fought or cries or storming out or sulking by one or two of the family member but this time, NADA! It was a relief to have no drama for once!

Must be my niece’s calm aura.

Yes, yes. We are a family of chaos. You iz surprise? Why? Were you born just five minutes ago?

I didn’t take any photo that day because I was busy holding a giant wiggly worm named Kaisan Rizq. He didn’t get his day nap and was quite grumpy and refused to stay still. Carrying him was like balancing 80 millions plates of jello! Whoa! Whoa! Steady there! Whoa!

So photo-taking responsibility was relinquished to the hubster and even though he’s my husband, there was only ONE photo of me in his camera. I now know where I stand in his life… [emo][kick pebbles][hands in pockets walking in rains]

Me, Nurul and Baby Alina with my mom at the back, photo bombing unknowingly

And because I am shameless and only show photos where I’m in it, I had to steal Polaroid photos from my friends and family [desperado]

My sister, my grandmother, my sister's mother-in-law, my mom, me the super gorgeous being on the face of this planet [fist in the air motion] and Alina.

My sister, Nurul, me... Wait. What is wrong with my head? It's imitating the Leaning Tower of Pisa IN. EACH. AND. EVERY. PHOTO. WHADAFUDGE! and the rest are my friends and relative.

The end.


Just A Little Bit of Badass

Aaahhh.. sweet, sweet pleasure of seeing the downfall of the people who once treated you like you just sprang out of the devil’s butthole.

Don’t deny and tell me, “Na’ah, woman! I feel SAD seeing my enemy fall flat on their goddamn fugly face” ABSOLUTELY BULLSHIT.

By the way, if you’re the martyr one, the holy than thou one, and the bitch-Imma-preach-you-till-your-ears-fall-off, please do me the favor by getting your high and mightiness out of my blog. You can come tomorrow. I’m posting my son’s photo. You shall bask in the glory of his adorableness.

So as I was saying, I have never met anyone who DO NOT secretly smirks a little when they see those who once upon a time say maybe, bully em? Bitch about em? Rude? Look down on em? Point and jeered NYE NYE NYE NYE NYE at em?

Whatever did these people used to do to make us feel hurt, insecure, threaten, angry or even sad, gawd it feels soooo damn good to see our so called enemy worth nothing more than the booger we picked out of our nose this morning.

Oh yes, I do forgive and forget but I save a little bit of evil pleasure seeing an acquaintance who can never stop boasting about her super perfect life before but now is fat and ugly with each butt cheeks the size of a whale’s hump and here I am, still sporting a slim figure. FUCK YEAH.
Me: 1, Them: 0.

And of course when those who once laughed at me for asking financial help to further my study now keep asking me to help their kids to get a job in the company I’m working at. Say whaaaaaat? I can’t hear ya! Can you repeat that again or just drop me a HELL NO?
Me: 2, Them: 0.

What about the girls in high school who were popular by being absolutely beautiful yet so snobbish and self-centered that you don’t even exist in their eyes even when you’re standing right ON their nose. And now married with 4 kids, working as a clerk earning a fraction of what you are earning and an unemployed husband living with their in-laws. I don’t know whether they are happy with their life or not but I can never live in a house without flush toilet so there, go ahead and judge me.
Me: 3, Them: 0.

I know, I know. I’m spoiled, gambong to the max, and downright bitchy and not to forget, EE-VAAAL in this post but, well, I try.


Couldn't have put it better myself...

"I've come to learn that you can only write honestly with time. For those who feel like I've lost a lot of the edge to my writing, it's because I've exhausted all the topics I can write honestly about. What can I write about today? The problem with writing a personal journal for a public audience is that part of the audience is bound to be people you see on a daily basis, people you have to talk to again. People in your life. Who may not recognize that this blog is just a journal of my thoughts - nothing more. These thoughts are not permanent, they waver, they morph, they go away - but the internet is permanent. Rather, its audience perceives it as permanent. Things you publish on the internet stay forever, right? No one realizes things that one does or writes in the past does not always carry into the future. That personality is not static. And this is the fucking audience I have to work with."~ Mayzhee

Each and every word. Exactly that.

My brain is shooting blanks.

After a whole week of wrestling life and death with my assignment/report, my brain now is a hollow space. Even when you scream HELLOOOOO, I can guarantee you there will never be an echo, screaming hello back at you. Just crickets. Nyit. Nyit. Nyit.

That is why it is a common to see me sitting in front of my blog thinking................................ Blank. I am an empty shell. Sad.

And as usual, soon after I submitted my assignment, I fell sick. It’s a curse I tell you. Each and every time after a big exam or after I submitted a major assignment, I will either get sick or I get sick. This time, I get sick-er. I had bouts of flu, headache and sore throat.

But because I was so selfishly terrified of being deprive of my son’s company, I fought it with the magic of my BRAIN. Yes, I mindfuck myself by thinking OH LA DEE DOO DAA I AM SO HEALTHY WHEEE WHOOO WHAAA and it worked –for two days.

Yesterday I crashed. Oodles of snots and sneezes went through my nose. The mister straightaway swooped Kaisan away and sent him to my mom’s for safety. God. I made myself sound like a deadly plague.But I'm okay now. Until I typed these below...

I had my toenail removed. WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU JUST SAID? Yes, T-O-E-N-A-I-L REMOVAL SURGERY. Na’ah kidding. There was no surgery. Just a simple pluck and pull. Ouch.

Due to my water retention last few months (remember the glorious moment of me ranting non-stop in e-ve-ry post about my pregnancy water retention? Ah yes. Good times) my toenails experienced the world most horrific ingrown ever. It was bloody painful and I had the mister to help me cut it as much as he can during my pregnancy because I can’t bend. Then, after I give birth, toenails still growing into my flesh and for four months I was hobbling around in pain and agony until 2 days ago I decided to see a specialist about it.

After explaining my condition to the doctor, he said, “I think you already know what I’m going to do next right?”

[Sigh] Think much. Yes, I pretty much know what’s in store for this poor toe of mine. 

There was no other choice but to pull the nail out. The doctor injected my toe 3 times (and that folks, makes a total of 9 injections I had this year! And it’s only June! Whee!) and once numb, the doctor tugged the nail slowly and voila!

I have the nail with me now and no, I am not going to post the photo here in fear you’ll slam me over with a lumberjack hammer. The ingrown was… HUGE. MOTHERFUCKING HUGE. No wonder I was in constant pain and ready to scream like a little girl anytime the sore part was being touched.

So here I am with a huge bandage on my toe and I can’t move much due to slight pain whenever I put pressure on it. How do I move about? Hobble. Hobble. Hobble.


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