To teach, to wake you up and to change for the better

Most people don’t realize that when a great disaster hit them, it is not to punish or to blame others or worst; to break their souls. It is actually to shake them up and get them to realize, “HEY DUMBASS! YOU’VE BEEN ASLEEP ALL THESE WHILE. WAKE UP!” It’s harsh but that is one way to open their eyes that changes need to be made or lessons need to be learnt.

Let me give an example:

My first real disaster was when I first witnessed my dad beating the living hell out of my mom when I was… 3 years old. The beating continued until I was 5 (or 6). At that young age, I had my first experience of feeling utterly and completely helpless, terrified and confused. All I can do that time was to cry and plead to my dad to stop and hide. I never felt safe back then. My dad, whom was very close to me, gave me mix feeling; are you the person I trust or are you the person I should stay far, far away from? Being a daddy’s girl made it even worst. I was insecure because anytime he would turn into a rampaging monster and beat my mom to death.

As I grow older, my dad expected that I would hate him (my parents divorced and I lived with my mom and had no contact with my dad until I was 12 years old) but I didn’t. I was scared of him. Hate and scared is two different things. He tried to bribe me to love him back by showering me with gifts and money. The buying my love thing went on until I was 20. One day, we had a big fight. He accused me for not appreciating his gifts and money and that I was self-centered and said I was just like my mother, who would run away when faced with problems (he said this because I was hiding in my room whenever we had a confrontation). In midst of anger, I screamed at him that he was making it so easy for me to take and take and that if I were my mom with an abuser as a husband, I would be too stupid to stay and face beating after beating. Don’t worry. We reconciled back after that. But his words lingered. When I was 25, it clicked. He was right in one thing, I ran away when I faced with problems. Instead of dealing with it, I hide. It took me 5 years to realize this after series of problems faced and endless stories of me running away, escaping from facing the real thing.

What truly opened my eyes was that my way of handling problem was reflected back by a guy I was in a relationship with. When confronted with problems, he would hide and ignore and well, run away. It irked me badly till I see it as a weakness. How could a man run away? A man! A woman who cowers, I can accept. But a man? When we split up, it was another disaster I added in my resume. A big disaster that marked me for life. For those who know me well, you know what I’m talking about.

After series of problems given to me and I still hasn’t learnt, God gave me the biggest disaster I never foresee to happen. And only then, I learned. So you see , that disaster was God’s way to wake me up. I woke up and I decided I REFUSE to run away. It’s a weak trait and dammit I am NOT weak!
Well, it took me another 5 years to learn HOW not to run away and to deal with problems even when I am at fault. To most people, this means little. To me, it means the world. In my current life now, I am braver to admit my fault. Even when I’m right, I fight my way with my head held up high. No more running away. This serves me well especially when there’s a lot of bumps in life.

Disasters are either to teach you, wake you or change you for the better.



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