Goodness Gracious! How Shocking!

Someone actually Google WWW.HE FUCKED ME ON MY NOSE AND I LOST MY NOSE RING.COM and landed on my blog.

WHAAAAAAAAA?! I did a double take when I saw this.

First of all, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE? I mean, sex on a person's nose? How does that look like exactly? Like seriously! Just out of curiosity, I Googled WWW.HE FUCKED ME ON MY NOSE AND I LOST MY NOSE RING.COM and found nothing. Not even a word OUCH or OII THAT'S SO DISGUSTING. 

So, my best guess is that this person (whom I assume is a lady) had sex with a guy who MOST PROBABLY accidentally insert his penis in her nose and made her lost her nose ring and she wonder how is she going to fix her nose (IT MUST BE BURNING IN PAIN)? So obviously, she Googled it up.  And landed on my blog.

What? That sounds like it right? *lift both eyebrows*


Netizen, I am as weird as you guys are but trust me, this is the weirdest thing I have ever blog in my history of blogging. 


You Gotta Be This Sexy to Be My Pal

Because I am so proud of my birthday card from my hilariously sick friend, Grace, I display this card on my office desk, next to my PC.

Each and every time a colleague drop by my cubicle and see this card, the things they exclaimed, totally kick ass (pun intended). 

"Are... those... naked buttocks?" 

"That is so crude!" 

"You're getting some sort of a thrill looking at THAT everyday, I presume?" 

"Oh I just swallowed my own vomit"


"I can't... stop... looking..."

"Balqiz, can you keep that THING in your drawer or somewhere where I can't see it? It's disturbing" (this came from my boss)

And many more.

What can I say? I'm just as sick as my good friend, Grace. This is how we roll, yo.


This is the reason why I said the Universe can't bear for me NOT to blog.


No longer am I screaming for an imaginary iMac coz a REAL ONE GOODNESS GRACIOUS is finally MINE. HERE. IN MY HOUSE. ON MY NEW COMPUTER DESK *Air punch*

Thank you, God! (*Whisper* I had to threaten to not blog anymore for me to finally get my iMac. What a drama queen but Universe, you're awesome and kick ass) That explains the constant update. I gained my mojo and the will to blog is baaaack and strong as ever! 

I was not happy at first when I find out there's no Photoshop available for Mac in town. Then I asked a colleague and he gave me a copy of his and the Mister installed it for me (You will never see me installing software in a computer coz me and fixing thingamajig is like putting me in a surgery robe and expect me to do a brain transplant on a hamster) and now, when I'm not hibernating and stuffing my face like as if I'm preparing for the next world hunger, I would be on my iMac learning my way around it.


Now... May I have my new car please?

Why I am not a Blogger Superstar... Because I get excited easily when people support my crazy rants. That's why.

Yesterday, my email hit a new record: 25-30 emails came pouring in asking for the password for the Baby Making post. Usually the most would be 10 a day but 30? Whoa Nelly!

My phone was beeping hysterically until I had to mute it coz the people around me were getting super annoyed and were giving me the IM-GONNA-TAKE-THAT-PHONE-OF-YOURS-AND-SHOVE-IT-WHERE-THE-SUN-DON’T-SHINE look. Get a life, Debbie Downers. I’m famous. Bite me. Just be thankful I don’t have that ‘YOU GOT MAIL, BOSS’ ringtone. Now, THAT is SO annoying.

But, you guiiiiiiiiiiiiise! Thank you! The support, the words of encouragement, the begging for password (Oh it was so cute! You don’t have to actually but if you feel like it, by all means, begging makes me feel SO TOTALLY AWESOMENESS QUEEN OF ALL THE UNIVERSE BOW TO ME PEASANTS I SAID BOWWWWWWWW!) *koff* Moving on…

Still, you guys so OPRAH! (Someone should really add her name in a dictionary meaning –SO FANTABULOUSLY AWESOME THAT YOU JUST WANT TO DIEEEEEE! DIEEEEEEEEE I TELL YOU) If this continues on, Imma post more of my nonsense here (Please don’t encourage me. I need my free time to sleep and eat and rest like a lot. I’m dead serious)

The Baby Making’s post would not be forever protected. By early August, it will be public and no password needed (unless… you… beg… me? *squinty eyes* KIDDING)

Moving on to less depressing story, I am so not feeling hot right now even though my boobs are so BEEEOOOTIFUUUL now (Dear God, please let me keep this nice, perky, full cup boobs forever and ever. Please. Please. Please) I went home at 10am this morning to rest until lunch time and at 12pm, I was still as weak as an almost drown one-legged one-eyed cute adorable kitten but was saved by fish burger which was the only food I can think of when the Mister asked me what I want for lunch.

“Eeeeeeeeermmmmmmmmmm… mmmffffish burger? Yeaaaaaaaah… fiiiiiiish… buuuuuuurger… Shhhhhhhhhooooooooo… tired… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… zzzzzz…” and I slept for 2 hours. Ba-da-bing!

Trust me; fish burger is the only junk food I allow myself now. I am cursed for staying so effin’ close to 24-hours McDonald, KFC and Sugarbun but my will is stronger than my DESIRE. But at times, I have no choice but to relent and ohhhhhhhh I am so not liking myself when I surrender.

Last night, I was weeping while cooking myself Maggie Mee coz ARRGHHH I HATE MAGGIE MEE BUT I WAS FRIGGIN’ HUNGRY I ALMOST BREAK THE DINING TABLE IN HALF AND EAT IT WITH BUTTER and I do not want the Mister to drive in the middle of the night to buy me… WHAT? WHAT CAN I EAT AT 11PM ASIDE FROM JUNK FOOD? AARRRGHHHH!!!! So Maggie mee it was. The guilt haunts me until now. Stupid Maggie mee. You ruin my life *hands in side pockets*kick pebbles*pout*


Baby Making -Part 4


(Sorry. I have to protect this post due to some personal reason. For password, please email me at balqizs[at] If you're not working with me or related to me, I'll grant you the password sooner than you can say OMG YOU GUUUUIIIISEEEEEE!. To those who emailed me before, the password is the same as Baby Making -Part 1, 2 & 3)

It's all orange, baby.

I usually LOVE chocolates but lately my taste bud converted into a new religion called: CHOCOLATES ARE ICKY. Sometimes I like to call it, GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY FACE, when someone offer me one nicely.

Me no likey chocolate.

But I can't stop my muncher habit so now I munch on:


Dry apricots.

Aside from sinfully delicious, it helps me to poop regularly too. Oh I looooove to poop.

And when I feel like it, I'll be munching dates and prunes. Old people snack food is officially my kind of snack. I am either embracing me turning the big 3-0 or senility is kicking in early.

Hot lemon honey drink

This is a kickass drink to gulp when you're having a bitchy cough. Even though it burns my throat when I drink it hot, it reduced my cough from KONG KONG KONG KONG ARGHHH KONG KONG KONG KONG EFFFFFF KONG KONG KONG KONG to Kong. Kong. Eff. That's why I called this cough, the Kong Kong Cough (Batuk Kong Kong).

I'm getting slightly better now. The lack of update is because I'm busy playing Words With Friends. If you're playing it, do add me. My ID is Balqiz (duh! It would be extremely ridiculous if I named myself KIMORA innit? Puh-puh-po-ser)

That's all from me today.


P/s I just realized that some emails my readers send to me asking for the Baby Making password ended up in my spam box. I managed to retrieve few and emailed them the password but I think there are more in the spam box in which I diligently delete once every 2 days. So for those who didn't get a reply from me, please email me again at balqizs [at] or balqizs [at] Cheers!

I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.


It is not my intention to inflict jealousy. I thought you would be as happy as I would be if the situation is reverse.

I keep forgetting every human being is different.


I swear, one more night I can’t sleep due to this demonic son of a *bleep* cough, I’m gonna get myself a tattoo!

Or what my doctor advised, get ‘neb’ (nebulizer) and so I did.

My last neb was years and years ago when I was a young little fairy flitting from one flower to another while riding my rainbow unicorn across the pink cotton forest.

It was the first time in my life I was hit by what the doctor called, ‘bronchitis asthma’. I don’t have a record of being asthmatic so when I was coughing and wheezing and puking green mucus (Oh, you’re eating? Tough nut), the doctor neb me.

As soon as they put the mouthpiece on my face, I was thrashing all about while screaming in my head “I CAN’T BREATH! I CAAAAAAAAAAAN’T BREAAAAAAAAAAATH!” 3 nurses had to hold me down and asked me to calm the fuck down. It was my first time. I almost shat my pants. I felt suffocated. I don’t know how to breathe properly through it and the mist from the nebulizer made me dizzy (or my frantic self actually made me dizzy that time. I can’t remember. All I know is that I sure look funny as hell. You should invite me to your party. I’m a riot when I panic).


But yesterday, it was piece of cake. I even had it twice. One at 4pm and another one at 9pm. It helped to reduce the mucus in my lungs and even though I still cough, I don’t make “WWWWWHEEEEEEEEEZZ KOFF KOFF WHEEEEEEEEZZZ KOFF KOFF CHOKE CHOKE ARRGHH UGHH KOFF KOFF SHAT I’M GONNA DIE WHEEEEEEEZ EFF KOFF KOFF THIS CHOKE KOFF KOFF” sound.


Told you I’m fun.


Baby Making- Part 3

(Sorry. I have to protect this post due to some personal reason. For password, please email me at balqizs[at] If you're not working with me or related to me, I'll grant you the password sooner than you can say SWEATY MONKEY BALLS. To those who emailed me before, the password is the same as Baby Making -Part 1 & 2)

You don't know how much I enjoy protecting my post like this *GLEE*. I feel like we, those who emailed me and have my password, had form a secret cult. Don't worry. This is not a suicide cult and I'm not going to ask you to convert. I'm just going to ask you to shower me with chocolates and candies. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!

Marc by Marc Jacobs


I found this photo online (unfortunately I forgot where exactly I got it from) and it literally made me SSSSSSQUUUUUUEEEEEEEEE!

*shrugged* I'm a woman. I can get away with squealing once in a while. 

That yellow Marc Jacobs iPad case is THE. EXACT. SAME. ONE. I. BOUGHT. FOR. MY. iPAD! Suddenly, I feel oh so très chic *Happy sigh*

Baby Making -Part 3

6 weeks 4 days pregnant.

Now, where do I start?

Why don't I start with the famous symptoms? Oh yes. A whirlwind of fun that one. But thankfully, I'm one of those lucky ones in this world. I don't suffer from morning sickness! How totally and absolutely fantastic is that? Based on what I hear, morning sickness is pregnancy worst kind of malady to be bestowed upon. Made you wish you never let your husband spurt out his sperm up your peehole in the first place.


But I do have: Sore, sore breast (it feels like someone just stuff a ticking nuclear in it and its throbbing with every ticking minute), cramps that resembles uncannily like a period cramp (which later I was told is cause by my uterus expanding. The pain just makes you want to scream “Why won't you just throw me over a cliff or stuff my face with a hand grenade instead?) and I sleep a lot. By a lot, I mean, if sleeping is a sport, I would win handsdown. Every single free moment I have, I took the opportunity to sleep. Like I'm practicing hard to steal the throne from Rip Van Winkle.

Today, another new symptom came knocking on my door. I started to pee a lot. I'm a pissing machine. In fact, me and the toilet bowl will change our Facebook status to “in a relationship” soon. It gets worst when it's night time when I need my beauty sleep. After battling cramps that usually barge in my uterus at 2am-3am, I would spend the rest of the night running to the loo.

People say the first trimester is the worst. Then come second trimester where most women claim is the best months in their life and the last trimester where you just want to get the baby OUT, OUT, OUT NOW!

I can't wait to experience it all.


Let's Talk About Books Today

These past few weeks, I am as fun as a snail on a mission to watch a glass blade grow.

I eat, sleep, wake up, check my emails, Twitter and slowly drift back to sleep. Yup. An absolute bag full of FUN, FUN, FUN.

I’ve been reading the Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan these few days to entertain myself and if you haven’t read any of Rick Riordan’s books, you miss 40% of excitement in your life. When you’re dying, you look back at what you’ve achieve and you realize there’s something huge you’ve been missing in your life and the angel of death gleefully wave one of Rick Riordan’s books while smirking evilly and you’ll beat yourself to death for NOT READING ONE OF THE BESTEST BOOKS IN THE UNIVERSE OH MY GOD YOU MISS SO MUCH OF LIFE I PITY THE FOOL YOU ARE.

I suggest you start with Percy Jackson and the Olympians the series. Yeah, yeah I know you watched the movie already and it’s so lame you spent the whole time updating your FB status with “THIS IS FUCKING LAME, MAN” and all your friends LIKE your status and you feel like awesome coz people LIKE your LAME status. Wow. You’re life is as exciting as a snail on a mission to watch a glass blade grow.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this but people just keep on coming to me and said, “B-b-b-but why should I read when I can watch the movie?” or classic response, “B-b-b-but the movie sucks monkey brains! So the books must sucks too” PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, THE BOOKS ARE ALWAYS BETTER THAN ITS MOVIE. Take Harry Potter for instance. For those dungbrains who don’t read Harry Potter but just watch the movie, they would be like “The movies? MEH” but once they read the book, KAPOW! YOU’RE TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE LIFE IS SO MUCH EXCITING THAN YOUR DULL REALITY. So many witty and important dialogues are not included in the movie. So many scenes changed. So many puzzle and mind blowing SUUURRRPRRIIIISEEEES spoils because in the movie, they don’t just drop hints; They WROTE IT ON THE ACTOR’S FACES AND THE ACTORS PRACTICALLY SHOUT IT FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. Fun factory these people, no?

Same goes with Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief’s movie. I thank my good friend, Rouselleg for psychologically influence me to read the books (she tweeted about the Percy Jackson. Every. Second. Of. The. Day) but I love her all the same and return the favor by getting Felicakes to buy the book too (insert evil chortle)

After Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I continued with Percy Jackson’s World by reading the second series: Heroes of Olympus. While waiting for Son of Neptune (the second book) to come out this October, I bought Kane Chronicles. Two words: FANTASTICALLY. ADDICTIVE.

Still not convince enough to read the book? Then, my dear, you miss 40% of your life. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk (sound ceiling lizard makes)


P/s Yes, yes. It's a book for kids. But you watch Porn right? And Porn are for those NOT GETTING SOME and SICK. So, which one are you?


Baby Making -Part 2


(Sorry. I have to protect this post due to some personal reason. For password, please email me at balqizs[at] If you're not working with me or related to me, I'll grant you the password sooner than you can say FUCKBALLS. To those who emailed me before, the password is the same as Baby Making -Part 1 and yes, you can point and jeer at me for such lame password *weeping*)

P/s Correction: 9TH JUNE 2011 not 19TH JUNE 2011  

Baby Making -Part 1


(Sorry. I have to protect this post due to some personal reason. For password, please email me at balqizs[at] If you're not working with me or related to me, I'll grant you the password sooner than you can say WHY NOT)

5 a.m. -Woken up by intense period cramp. Instead of taking painkiller as I usually do, I decided to try to weather it off BY MY SHEER STRONG SUPERPOWER SELF. Because of that, I was on the floor at the living room, rolling and doing the shuffle while groaning in pain. FUCK YOU CRAMP! WHY DON’T YOU COME AND BLEED NOW INSTEAD OF MURDERING ME SLOWLY LIKE THIS.

6 a.m. –Pain subside and I crawled back to bed, coughing badly still (I had been coughing for the past 2 weeks) but less than 15 minutes, I got up and getting ready to go to work.

8 a.m. –Having breakfast with 2 colleagues. Mien is pregnant so I asked her how she first knew she’s pregnant. She said she has been having flu for close to a month long. Even strong medicines didn't cure her flu. She suspected something is up so she went to see a doctor and after a blood check up, positive.

10 a.m.-My boobs are KILLING ME. It throbs and sore and tight and I blamed PMS for it. But what Mien said stays at the back of my head. I just found out last night that I missed my period by 5 days. A week ago I took a home pregnancy test and it showed negative. But my period is almost seldom late. 2 months ago, my period was late 3 days so I pushed aside the thought of being pregnant. I still think I’m going to have my period since I have been having period-like cramps for a week plus.

11 a.m. –I told my colleague my symptoms. She urged me to go check. I balked at the idea. Every month for the past 6 months, it has been negative all the time. I’m sick and tired of the frustration and I swear, I was giving up on trying conceiving. Melissa said, “You have nothing to lose. If it’s negative, then its negative” I inhaled deeply and decided to go check.

12 p.m. –I’m at home and with me, 2 pregnancy test kit I bought at a pharmacy nearby. I steel myself for disappointment but at the same time praying hard it will be positive. I picture the test kit shows the word PREGNANT and I peed. Not wanting to see the result yet, I left it on the sink and went to the kitchen to have my lunch.

12:05 p.m.-My curiosity gets the best of me. I peek and the word PREGNANT was flashing vividly. NO WAY! NO WAAAAAAAY! NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! I took another test kit and try again. This time, SHIT I DON’T HAVE ANYMORE PEE TO PISS?! WHAT THE FUCK?! But I managed to produce a bit. Test it and DOUBLE LINES!!! DOUBLE LINES PEOPLE!!!


...To be continued.

Come again? Oh. REALLY?



I had these few nights ago for dinner. The Mister gave me the crazy eyes when he saw me bringing back young mango FOR DINNER. 

You see, I had no appetite these past few days. I’ve been having cough that itches like an absolute hell for the past 2 weeks and it really made everything I eat taste like Ke$ha’s breath at 7am (Not a personal experience) 

My SIL, who had been so stress due to her new job, told me the only way she can bring herself to eat something is by adding belacan (shrimp paste) in her rice. I know, to some, it’s like, WHAAA but to me it was YES! YES! YES! THAT’S MY SOLUTION! 

And I was right. I was in euphoria munching hot cooked rice and super sour young mango with sambal belacan (shrimp paste with chilli and anchovies). 

It brought memories which my Mom will cringe badly if I tell her of it. When I was 4-5 years old, when it was just me, my Mom and my brother and my Dad was... in rehab for drug abuse, we lived in near poverty. There was no food except a cup or two of rice. Mom was desperate to feed us that she plucked young mango from a tree at our backyard and we ate that with rice. ONLY. Sometimes, when we ran out of rice, we ate the young mango with salt. ONLY. 

It’s not an awesome kick-ass memory but from that experience, weirdly enough, I enjoy eating sour young mango with rice. Until now. 


The irony.


Funny thing is when fame finally came, it is when you want more privacy, see the irony? ~Tumblr

I think I'm the last person who know about this.


2 more months! FUCKING. EXCITED. CAN'T. WAIT.

One more time someone say, "Hello? May I speak to MISTER BALQIZ please?" that someone gonna DIE.

Is BALQIZ a MALE name?


"I received message that Mr. Balqiz is coming today"

"May I speak to Mr. Balqiz, please?"

"Mr. Balqiz, we received your fax accordingly"


I’m so annoyed I can’t even think straight.


So, I have this idiot named ME and she deleted her Tumblr coz she thought if she pressed DELETE she can change the whole motherfucking layout. Like, wow, asshole much.


To those who follows me on Tumblr, throw those rotten tomatoes at me will ya and after that, do add me back.

Le sigh!

I've to start allllll over again and boy, my life is getting more INTERESTING BY THE FUCKING DAY!


Not only that, I didn't save my old layout/template so now I've to settle with a plain jane downer junior instead. For the time being.

Wait till I have my imaginary iMac and I'll design a new layout/template that is très chic, très hip and très sexy.

And I promise I'll be more active in Tumblr.


What? I was bored at work...

Things you can find around my office cubicle:










I drink tea A LOT. And I drink my vitamin C in between.

Photo edited using Adobe Photoshop Express
Watermark by Impression


So turns out there are no such thing as miracles and that fat man with a beard in the red suit? Yeah, he doesn’t exist too. Awww… did I shatter you itty-bitty world with that revelation?

Suck it.

I didn’t get my iMac.

I didn’t get pregnant.

I didn’t get my winter Europe trip.

I didn’t get a brand new car.

Oh. Woe. It’s. Me.

I know. I know. Other people have it worst. No food. No home. No clothes *roll eyes* Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pfft. I’m gonna quote you one of my favorite character of all time;

Ally McBeal: “What makes my problems so much bigger than everybody else's? THEY’RE MINE”


Can’t you tell I’m PMSing here?

I was complaining talking to N about my ‘world-most-devastating-news-EV-ER’ and she said, “Bukan rezeki kitak bah,” (It’s not your luck yet –oy, my translation sucks) and instantly I glared at her and screamed, “THAT is the LAMEST comforting words EV-ER and it DOES NOT help to comfort me AT. ALL!”

She burst out laughing. Oy…

It’s true isn’t it? We try our best to comfort a sad/angry/frustrated/depressed friend by saying things that actually does not comforts him/her not one bit but we say it nevertheless THINKING and most probably ASSUMING we said the right thing at the right time. Why do we do that? Because it’s the right thing to do? Why don’t we just shut the fuck up and maybe, MAYBE, pat our friends at the back and say, “I understand”? But then again, some people would explode and scream, NO YOU DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH! *and there goes another round of messy chainsaw massacre*

Oy. What a dilemma.

Some of the words-of-comfort-that-means-shit-to-those-in-despair;

1) It’s meant to be

2) Things happen for a reason

3) It’s not your luck/fate

4) Other people have it worst

5) I HAD it worst before

And many more.

Dude, three words: YOU’RE. NOT. HELPING.

Shut up.

What’s worst is when we experience death in our family members and while you’re crying your heart out, a moron or two usually come up and sadly say, “My aunt/uncle/nephew/grandfather/neighbor/cousin/in-law passed away too last week”

LIKE WHATUFA…? So what if your aunt/uncle/nephew/grandfather/neighbor/cousin/in-law died last week? Is that your way to comfort someone? By telling people you ALSO experienced a loss? WAY TO TAKE MY LIMELIGHT BITCH! Or you want me to grieve for THEM too? Like as if I have enough tears and heartache to grieve for EVERY-FUCKING-DYING-SOUL in this world? So what? Now we’re equals? We are buddies for life because a family member of yours DIES too? What kind of sick mentality is that?


Take for example, a real life scenario I faced few months back:

One colleague had to rush back to Kuching, Sarawak because her brother was diagnosed with cancer in the brain. I patted her back and didn’t say anything coz I am the type that knows SHITS about giving comforting words especially to those in grief (I tend to giggle like I’m high on marijuana when I’m nervous. Yeah, bad, bad trait to have ESPECIALLY when attending a funeral. My mom bans me from attending ANY funerals. True story), poor colleague was getting all her stuff ready to go home to catch the earliest flight she can when another colleague came and asked whatsup like, “Dude, whatzaaaap!” Kidding. I told em what happened and this other colleague immediately said, “My aunt had brain cancer too”


*roll eyes*

Is that… supposed to be comforting? Are you trying to say, hey I have what you have so yeah, don’t worry about it. If I can survive from it, so can you! *give two thumbs up*


Ok. Maybe I’m PMSing (I seriously am actually) or maybe I’m bitter because the things that I wanted, I didn’t get it this time (I’ll get it soon. Usually happens that way. First I make a big drama out of it and then POOF! It’s all lining up in front of me) but is there a sure way to comfort people?

I’m asking coz the only thing I can think of to comfort someone is to show them my boring-as-fuck-shadow-puppets. What? You’re pet cat died of kidney failures? Awww… I’m sorry to hear that… *awkward silence* I can make shadow animals with my hands! Tada!


Imaginary butt

I am not going to blog ANYFIN until my iMac (which I ordered in my imaginary Apple store with my imaginary money) is here.
I refuse to blog with my old laptop because the screen is waaaay too small and the fonts DEMANDED my soul to be served at the altar of a satanic ritual. It is an old laptop. And when something that old said NO CAN DO KIDDO, GIVE ME YOUR SOUL OR IMMA EAT YOUR FACE BEFORE YOU EVEN HIT THE PUBLISH BUTTON, you can't do anything but to obey.
iMac, you better get your imaginary butt here ASAP or else!

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