A Mother Monster

How to tell if you are a Mother Monster:

1. When someone ask you why your baby looks pale, you
     a. Say, “Psshh. He’s fine” and pinch your baby’s cheek to make him look flush
     b. Immediately speed dial your baby’s pediatric clinic to make an appointment
     c. Immediately strap your baby to your back and sprint to a nearest clinic barefooted in less than 0.05 seconds while screaming, “MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! MY SON IS DYING! HE NEEDS URGENT MEDICAL HELP!”
     d. Immediately swallow your baby and give one huge belch.

2. When someone say you’re baby is not cute, you
    a. Smile and agree
    b. Smile and say, “It's okay. To me he’s the cutest baby ever”
    c. Punch the living daylight of that person with a shovel and dump the body in a lake.
    d. Immediately swallow that person and give one huge belch.

3. When someone ask why did you name your baby that name, you
    a. Say, “I once had a dog and he died as soon as I found out I was pregnant so I named my baby after the dog. I was too tired to think of a new name, you see”
    b. Say, “I like that name and the meaning of the name”
    c. Say, “DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BABY’S NAME? HUH? DO YA? DO YA?” and get paranoid that people are trying to steal your baby’s identity so you threaten to burn your womb.

4. When someone praise your baby for being so clever, you
    a. Say, “Are you sure? She’s pretty dense. All she does is sleep and cry and eat”
    b. Say thank you for noticing
    c. Immediately invite her to marry your husband so you guys can be sister wives
   d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.

5. When someone wants to hold your baby, you
    a. Say, “Here. You can send her back to me next month”
    b. Say, “Ok. But watch out for his drool”
    c. Glare menacingly and ask you to fill in Borang A, Borang B and Borang C, photostate IC, passport and get you to buy a RM10, 000 worth of Insurance policy.
   d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.

6. When someone said your baby is fat, you
     a. Prick your baby with a pin expecting her to deflate like a balloon.
     b. Politely correct that person by saying your baby is healthy.
     c. Immediately write an angry post in your blog cursing and calling people idiot, dickhead and put a hex on them with untreated cancer disease curse.
    d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.


Mostly A: I hope you are trying to be funny.
Mostly B: You are a mother. A normal one. Thank god.
Mostly C: You are weird.
Mostly D: You are actually a real life monster and your best friend is Mike Wazowski.



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