I Am A Cooking Moron.

My first few attempt to cook a home cook meal for my husband turned into an embarrassing disaster that I HATE to recall back but for the sake of this time capsule, I’m jotting it down anyway.

I don’t know why but ever since I got married, my cooking skill has gone FTW!

I’m not saying I’m an excellent cook but I find cooking easy. I don’t have to read a recipe and simply throw whatever I feel like in the pot and voila! A nice delicious dish to enjoy while watching Criminal Minds on TV.

What? Stop giving me the disbelief crazy eye! TRUST ME! I CAN COOK!!!!

So anyway, one day, the Mister asked me do I know how to cook crab.

Pwessh! Me? Crab? D’OH! Of course I know how to cook crab! I’ve been frying oyster sauce crab dish for my family for ages! And by ages I mean, a long, long time! I can even show you my Masterchef Crab Tattoo!

Okay. Digressing much.

So I went out to town and bought 3 live crabs. They were huge!

As soon as I reached home, I took it out and placed it in the kitchen sink and I just stared at it for 5 minutes when it dawned to me…


I Googled it up and the most compassionate ways to murder it is to NOT TEAR IT APART WITH YOUR BARE HANDS as how I thought of doing it at first. Instead, the best way is to boil it in a hot water.

I had the Mister to boil the three crabs’ to death coz well, I’m a softie see? How do you kill something you just named; Fred, Coco and Fabian?

Once done, I went on to chop it.

Meet Fabian, Coco and Fred. All DEAD.

Something was not right…

First, the crabs stink! I was trying hard NOT to gag in fear the Mister think I’m pregnant by Fred, Coco and Fabian.

Secondly, when I chop it, my whole shirt was splattered with water coming from the crabs. Like whatufa…? The last time I chop crabs, it was not as watery as this!

Was it because it was pre-boiled? Coz last time, I got my mom to kill the crabs ALIVE and I chopped it off and there was no water splashing messily on me. Wow. We’re a bunch of kinky cannibal eating crabs!

Since I was halfway through, I just proceed and fry it with shallots, ginger and eggs and add a dash of oyster sauce, chili sauce and soy sauce.

I tasted it.

Something missing.

I add salt.

Still it tasted a bit off.

I decided to fuck it and proceed to wait for the crab to be cooked.

Once done, I served it hot to the Mister.

He ate it.

He was quiet.

He didn’t say anything at all.


I knew it. I FUCKING BLEW it!

I tried the crab.

Ok. No wonder the Mister didn’t say anything.

The crab tasted like it has been dead a century old! IT TASTED LIKE OLD SOCKS! GROSS!!!!

I was humiliated. I wanted to boil my head on the stove!


All those hard work of buying, killing, cleaning and cooking and THIS IS WHAT I COOK?

I apologized to the Mister for cooking him such lousy dish and he said, “What are you talking about? It’s nice!”

Yeah sure. Would you eat with a grimace on your face if it’s nice?

That’s it. We’re eating out from now on!




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