Welcome to Crazy Town: Population Me.


Last week when Kaisan was still having diarrhea (he's 100% cured already and I'm grateful no one can see me dancing naked with my breast towel swinging over my head when he stop all flu, cough, fever and lastly diarrhea few days ago. Woohoo!) I decided to bring him out to get some fresh air since he has been cooped up in the house for close to 3 weeks due to all the illness a baby gets when teething (Remember that single ladies. When you have a baby, teething is worst than waking up in the morning with a huge zit suddenly appear on your nose who introduce himself as Gandalf the Gray)

I brought him to local deli to have our lunch. We were having a good time together. He was eating his mash potatoes while I had my usual beef lasagna. Then halfway through, he showed me his poop face. Poop face is when he pressed his lips together and frowns and grunts. Son, you better pray your mom never take a photo of you with that look. Pray really, really hard.

Immediately I brought him to my car since the deli does not have a baby changing room and while struggling to hold a wriggly squirmy uncomfortable baby and a diaper bag and me trying to get the car keys from my pocket, I suddenly felt something warm and squishy on my blouse and lo behold! Kaisan's poop was all over me!

WHAT. IN. THE. WHOLE. WIDE. WORLD!

My mind went blank. Like, literally. There was nothing in my head except a loud screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!

I held him up farther away from me and continue to scream in my head for few more seconds.

I was, in the middle of a car park, far away from home, with a dirty smelly baby with poop all over himself and all over myself and once I stop screaming, I was like, "Where can I go and get a refund for this baby?" and another part of me went, "You idiot! This is not defect electronic goods that you can just ask for exchange! This is YOUR SON FOR FUCK SAKE"

Then I quickly open up my car and dumped everything in while still holding a smiling baby, happy to see that he just send an explosive nuclear waste on his mother and on himself. AY YAY YAY YAY YAY.

Turns out his diaper was not fastened properly so when he poops, it blasted everywhere! (I am notoriously known with my exaggeration) I peeled off his clothes, his diaper and his socks and threw it on the ground. By ground, I mean road. By road, I mean just few inches away from my car BECAUSE HOOOMAAAHHHGAAADDD ICKY DIRTY STINKY POOOOOP EVERRRYYYYWHEEREE!!!!

Then I took out his water bottle and washed his naked self BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO PASSES BY! They must be thinking, "Look at the poor homeless lady cleaning his son. TSK" GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Once done, I put his diaper on, THANKS TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I BROUGHT AN EXTRA ONESIE, put that on him, and fasten him on his car seat. Then, me. Hoooboy. There was poop on my arms up to my elbows, all over my front blouse, my jeans and IN MY HAIR HOW THE HELL DID IT GET THERE? I tried to wash myself down by using whatever water that was left in the bottle and quenched the need to strip myself naked.

I then picked up all his dirty clothes on the road and put it in a plastic bag and dumped it in the bonnet. Then we drove home in silence. It was a traumatic experience for me and an embarrassing one for my son.

We promised we will never talk of it ever again.

You know what? I always thought I would make an excellent example of a mother who is always level headed, calm and reasonable when face with crisis.

Well, so I thought.



P/s If you think you're one lucky monkey, go join my first giveaway contest HERE! Closing date is this Sunday 30th September!












2 Comments:

Farhana Ariffin said...

Just stumbled upon your blog last week and i love it!
You know what,you can be my inspiration. I am marrying my fiance early next year and most probably will settle down in miri, following my future husband.
You make miri sounds happening and err...all glamorous. Do me a favour,would you? Always post something nice about miri. Always. Convince me it'd be good place to start a new life.Thanks!

Balqiz Sulaiman said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Miri is glamorous? Err... No comment hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

 

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