Crazy and I

There was a time in my life, Crazy was my only friend and also one of my 1001 problem.

Because of Crazy, I was never alone. In a big house, all by myself, I felt safe coz I have Crazy with me. We would watch TV, eat and sleep together. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep or plague by nightmares, Crazy and I would climb on the balcony and stood there, asking ourselves, “If I jump… Would it make any difference to the people around me?”

Because of Crazy, I drove at 12am on a New Year’s eve watching fireworks from afar, wishing I have a genuine person next to me, holding my hands and hug me and smile and say, “HAPPY NEW YEAR! I LOVE YOU!” but I just have Crazy shouting and screaming and crying, “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUU!!!” instead.

Because of Crazy, no one knows the battle I faced. Crazy made me promised to have a smile on my face all the time but leave the demons only in my eyes. I was quite. I was depressed. I was solemn and sorrow but I smiled when people ask, “Is everything okay with you?” Smile. Smile. Smile. Crazy said no one could help me. No one could take the pain away. So suck it up, bitch. Life is a big pile of cow shit. Bear and live with it.

Because of Crazy, I did many things I was not proud off. I threw childish tantrum. I broke half of the things I own. I took massive amount of pills to shut the world down. I was reckless. I was suicidal. I was destructive. I was a destroyer. I was impulsive and Crazy governed my every move, my every thought and my every words.

All these because of Crazy.

I wanted the love, the attention, the life and the understanding of being a person with needs.

I wanted the acceptance, the sense of belonging, the responsibilities, and the cherish moment of being as one.

I didn’t get shit.

My world was upside down, thrown around, messed up and finally, all hell break loose. So that was when Crazy came into my life. Prodding me slowly to retaliate, to scream my needs and wants, to demand to be given what was promised, to cry when my pain was too much for me to bear and to make me want to tear my soul into thousand pieces.

Now, now Crazy is no longer with me. I buried it together with everything in the past.

But there are times, I would go back there again, like right now, not to dwell on what had happened or what could have been but to remind myself of the lesson I learn throughout the experience.

I learn things happen for a reason.

I learn that if I ask, I will receive (from the right person)

I learn that I am not alone.

I learn that if I don’t learn from life, I will face the same problem again and again until I learn and change from it.

And remind myself once in a while; I am indeed perfect without Crazy in my life. Or maybe there is a little bit of Crazy left in me… if not, I won’t be blogging like a nutcase ☺