Confinement and Me; An Epic Battle

Before I give birth, people have been telling me what a bitch confinement is. The bitter and plain food, the many rules and restrictions and of course- the boredom. They wished me luck and looking forward to see me come out of my confinement alive and kicking like a horny goat.

But I said, “Na’ah. I’ll be fine. I like confinement food. In fact, I cook it for my everyday meal. And staying indoor for 44 days? Pfft! Piece of cake. I can entertain myself easily at home”

I swear if I have a time machine, I will go back to that exact moment I utter those ever-so-cocky statement and SLAP. MYSELF. HARD. REPEATEDLY. UNTIL. I. SAY. CONFINEMENT. SUCK. MONKEY. NUTS.

Imagine doing and eating the same thing E-VE-RY-BLOODY-DAY FOR 44 DAYS. It can drive any INSANE person to go CRAZIER!

A week in my confinement I was already planning on ways to jailbreak my iConfinement.


Food

In every food I eat, there is always GINGER. GINGER. GINGER. GINGER in it. Porridge with ginger. Chicken with ginger. Beef soup with ginger. Herb drink with ginger. I swear my fart smells like burn ginger. I don’t have to elaborate here the “goodness” (so I was told…) of ginger coz you can Google it but seriously, I’mma burn ginger farm with my flame thrower (Once I get my hand on one that is…)

I know not being able to drink cold water would be the death of me and I was HALF right. I survived. As a matter of fact, drinking hot/warm water is the EPITOME OF SHIZNITS. Buuuuuuuuut… watching the Mister gulping cold soda in front of me does bring out the psychotic killer in me.

There are a lot of things I can’t eat now I’m in confinement. One of my favorite foods that are ban from my everyday meal is – BELACAN! (Shrimp paste) The other day, my mom cooked kangkung masak belacan for the Mister and I almost slice my wrist when she flicked my forehead as I scoop a spoonful of the dish into my plate [INSERT SALIVATING FRENZY BULL DOG IMAGE][INSERT ANOTHER IMAGE OF MY TONGUE HANGING 4 METERS ON THE GROUND REACHING THE TIP OF MY TOE][INSERT ME SLOBBERING IN TEARS AND SOBS]


Traditional Medicines

The first two weeks of confinement, I hired an expert confinement lady to take care of me. She massaged my whole body, cooked GINGER INFESTED FOOD, bath and sauna me in herb water, made me my herb drink twice a day, assisted me in my traditional wrap (bengkung) and helped me with household chores also bathing lil’ Kaisan.

Having her around made it easy for me to rest. Without her, I wouldn’t know shit about all the traditional herb drink/bath/food that I must take during my confinement. I thought by wearing the bengkung and watch what I eat was enough but apparently this traditional confinement is trickier than rocket science.

I have no idea what this thing is called but it is used to cook my herb drink

I can’t say I have much love towards all the herb drink she asked me to drink but I drank it anyway without questioning it. I know. The drink is so black and thick with God knows what herb that even if she add crush cockroaches in my drink, I wouldn’t even know and declare it healthy for my womb [GAG!] But I cheated a bit when drinking the ever so bitter herb drink. I added honey in it and tada! Taste much, much better [Troll face]

Look! Sparkles in my drink!

Confinement Rules and Regulation

1. Cover thy hair/head all the time

No can do, José. Headband or head wrap gives me major migraine. I can only wear it less than an hour so I had to forgo this rule.

2. Wear socks all the time

Again, no can do. My water retention didn’t go away as fast as I thought it would. My feet stayed swollen for 2 weeks after giving birth and when I wear socks, my feet swell into a camel’s hump size. And what’s worst, I had world craziest ingrown toenail and was so painful with pus and all (Oh did I ruin your dinner?), I rather face another caesarian than the excruciatingly painful nail digging into my flesh every time I move. So scratch this rule too.

3. No cutting nails and hair

I had to get the Mister cut my ingrown nail while howling in pain.

4. Do not shower thy hair

Pfft. Are you insane? I have super sensitive scalp with oil glands the size of a penny. I sweat A LOT and my hair gets greasy faster than you can say, “HOLYFUCKINGBATSHIT IS THAT PROFESSOR SNAPE ON YOUR HEAD?” Of course I washed my hair. And of course I get scolded many times by the confinement lady and not forgetting my mom. Of course I ignored them and washed my hair again the next time they massaged my head with coconut oil and made me as greasy as Lenny Kravitz.

And many other exciting rules and regulations that I didn’t follow much coz I’m awesomely useless like that. I know it’s for my own good but honestly, is there a scientific proves that says doing all of the above ensure perfect health after 44 days? Besides, it’s not like as if I’ll turn into Jessica Alba after 44 days of following all the strict rules right? Right? Right? [Echoes]

I'm not questioning the tradition. Maybe there is medicated truth in all the things they asked me to do but I'm just the type of person who can't abide strict and stifling rules. Balqiz, the confinement rule breaker. I will be famous for that.

That's all for now. Kaisan's crying for milk. Ciao!