Boobs. Depression. Tea. 3 words that shouldn't be in the same sentence together.

I didn’t lactate immediately after giving birth. My milk took 3 days to finally reach my nipples [OMG THERE SHE GOES AGAIN BEING SO VULGAR IMMA TURN MY NOSE UP ON HER BLOG NOW]

I was going insane with anxiety when my milk didn’t come out even when my son was sucking so hard. I kept on trying and trying to feed him and he latched and sucked (Oh he has no problem with latching. He’s a pro in that matter. But what’s the point of knowing how to latch when I don’t lactate?)

We kept trying till my nipples were so sore and painful like as if I just grind it repeatedly on a gravel road. I even had to check my nipples for blood each and every time Kaisan latch. But still, no milk and yes, no blood too on my nipples THANK GOD. So after failing a gazillion million times, I cried “FORMULA COMING RIGHT UP!”

I told my doctor my lack-of-liquid-boobies problem and he gave me a medicine to help speed things up. I took the pill twice and the next day, BAM! PAMELA ANDERSON STARING RIGHT BACK AT CHA! Yeah, Pamela Anderson with big wet stain on her blouse. I was leaking profusely soon after that. Never in my entire life I have seen my breast that GINORMOUS. It was beautiful all right. BUT! But it was DAAAAAAMN PAINFUL! I was practically crying when my boobs were stone hard and throbbing madly. I take back all my wishes to have bigger boobs if only God take away the pain.

I had to use the breast pump to help ease up the pain and lo behold! It was like a Niagara fall when I pump it! I couldn’t wait for Kaisan to wake up and when he did, excitedly I try to feed him. He was like a baby bird –mouth wide open, swinging his head side-by-side rapidly looking for my nipples and… crying. It was not because there was no milk. I just don’t know how to hold him properly! He was latching but I held his body in a way that made him so uncomfortable that he cried and screamed and grunted and growled. Yes, my son growled. I wish I had recorded the sound of him growling coz I swear it was so funny.

The longer I try to feed him, the more frustrated both of us were. He couldn’t latch properly when his body was held incorrectly. I couldn’t hold him properly when he kept thrashing all about. Each feeding became a battle for both of us. But I didn’t give up. Each and every feeding, before I give him his bottle, I try to breast feed him first. When both of us got exhausted wrestling with my boobs and fail miserably, I give him his formula.

Then, a week after his birth, my milk started to slow down its flow. I started to get frantic again and was asking every living woman with obviously-you-have-experience-in-breast-feeding-if-not-why-you’re-boobies-are-sagging on how to increase breast milk. Some said eat young papaya soup. Some said eat lots of porridge. I tried it all but still, nada. By the way, young papaya soup? HOLY MONKEY BUTTHOLES! IT’S BITTER LIKE A MOTHER BUTTCRACK!

To make matters worst, I was hit by postpartum depression. I was supposed to be happy with my newborn but instead I was constantly feeling sad, irritable, and angry and sometimes I cried for no reason whatsoever. I was tired due to no sleep. I had no appetite to eat whatsoever. And I kept thinking of running away from everyone including my son but love and guilt glued my feet to the ground.

After a week or so feeling like toenail fungus, I don’t know what made the depression go away, but I was much happier and able to function like a normal human being again. That was when my milk double triple its amount and flowing rapidly and nicely. This time, I know how to hold my son properly during breast-feeding that FINALLY, both of us sigh a relief and enjoy our bonding moments together.

At the same time, I was drinking Earth Mama Organic Milkmaid Tea, an herbal tea for breastfeeding mothers. I bought 10 boxes from a helpful loyal reader –Zhuriqa Jalil at Bee Little, who recommended me this tea to increase milk production (trust me, this lady helps me A LOT in giving advices about pregnancy and babies. I owe her BIG TIME).

Honestly, I don’t know whether my happy mindset or the tea that helps to keep my breast milk to flow steadily until now. It could be both or it could be one of the other. Whichever it is, I am so grateful that I can breastfeed my son again. Oh I still give him his formula to top up coz my milk alone is not filling for him but I’m not the type who would beat myself up for bottle-feeding him. I’m not that monsters of a mother who gung-ho die-die must feed baby with liquid from boobies’ type. I’m flexible. I know both ways still benefits my son in every kind of ways. Like how I was okay getting a c-sec instead of going natural.

It is all still God’s willing (takdir). Everything is God's willing.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for mentioning me Balqiz *blush* you don't owe me anything coz things like that are meant to be shared :)

And good on you for admitting that you had PND. I thinks it's still a taboo topic within the community but I believe that by admitting it means that one is ready to battle it and has the right mental attitude to win over it


AzyArbi said...

i hope that organic milk tea could make breast nice big and firm afterwards.. some people have this saggy boobs after breast-feed. do updates.. you know how i wish to have mine bigger. ngeee hehehe!!


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