Am I pregnant… again?

No I’m not. What am I? A guppy fish? Unless you know what I don’t know, that is. Hmmm? [Squint eyes]

I have been asked more than, oh, a trillion times a week, give and take, whether I’m pregnant again. I know I’m still retaining my somewhat rounded belly (there’s tequila party going on in there and you are not invited). And I know I’m still quite heavy (hey it’s not like I’m dying!) and I have been very quiet in a nasty mood lately (So you’re saying when I’m pregnant, I’m like a raving baboon out to eat your face? Wow thanks)

People can simply jump into conclusion just because they see what they want to see. So if there’s a bird perch on my shoulder, does that make me a water buffalo?

Lately, people around me have been giving me major emotional upheaval. Some think it’s funny to take on my role as ME. Yes, next thing you know you’ll be seeing another ME going around Miri, with her shirt unbutton because her boobs are straining to burst out. Then some people get overly show off that they constantly rubbing their achievement/wealth that it gets too annoying to not cross my eyes in exasperation. Then there are a bunch of people who see me as a competition that they challenge my capabilities with the intention to pull me down.

Honestly and this is coming from deep, deep inside of me:

1) Being ME

I don’t mind. Really. Imitation is a form of flattery. I just wish they add their own personality into it and make it their own. Then at least I don’t feel too creep out that someone is stealing my identity, wearing my PJs to my bed, breastfeeding my son. CREEPY!

2) Show off

I don’t want what you want. I don’t want what you have. I don’t want what you achieve. And, I am not jealous. At all! In fact, I am honestly, genuinely happy for what you have achieve. It’s just that the negative vibe coming out of you when you puff yourself up, beat your chest and bellow you’re better, greater and smarter than me, is really making me nauseous. Do be a happy Bella instead of be snotty gorilla.

3) Competition

This is another form of flattery. You know you’re at your best stage in life when people see you as a competition. Like you’re not at par with the rest but higher and there are people who want to pull you down by challenging you in a competition of WHOSE BETTER. The part I do not like about this is the constant prod that challenge me to take their bite. Like, “I bought this RM500k house recently. CAN YOU BEAT THAT, HUH? HUH?” No, I can’t beat that. Not now. In five years time, yes I will get myself a RM500k worth of house and I’ll do it with MY OWN MONEY, NOT WITH MY PARENTS MONEY LIKE YOU JUST DID [flip hair].

These people come to me with their negativities; it clashes with my Zen… It makes me really, really tired. Emotionally tired. It’s like; I’m in a middle of a sea, happily floating on my back, smiling and enjoying the sun on my face. Then a huge ship appears, sending ripples of waves to my calm vicinity. Waves after waves coming, and it gets bigger and bigger and hitting my face. OH HOW I HATE SALTY SEA WATER ON MY FACE!

Get the metaphor? Good. Now please send positive vibes back to me. This water buffalo likes a calm sea.

P/s I DO hope you get my sarcasm here. Thanks.

Password Protected Note To Self

A Mother Monster

How to tell if you are a Mother Monster:

1. When someone ask you why your baby looks pale, you
     a. Say, “Psshh. He’s fine” and pinch your baby’s cheek to make him look flush
     b. Immediately speed dial your baby’s pediatric clinic to make an appointment
     c. Immediately strap your baby to your back and sprint to a nearest clinic barefooted in less than 0.05 seconds while screaming, “MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! MY SON IS DYING! HE NEEDS URGENT MEDICAL HELP!”
     d. Immediately swallow your baby and give one huge belch.

2. When someone say you’re baby is not cute, you
    a. Smile and agree
    b. Smile and say, “It's okay. To me he’s the cutest baby ever”
    c. Punch the living daylight of that person with a shovel and dump the body in a lake.
    d. Immediately swallow that person and give one huge belch.

3. When someone ask why did you name your baby that name, you
    a. Say, “I once had a dog and he died as soon as I found out I was pregnant so I named my baby after the dog. I was too tired to think of a new name, you see”
    b. Say, “I like that name and the meaning of the name”
    c. Say, “DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY BABY’S NAME? HUH? DO YA? DO YA?” and get paranoid that people are trying to steal your baby’s identity so you threaten to burn your womb.
   d. Your baby's name is MMMMMPPHRRROOWWGRRRRAH UGHHRAAHH GAHRAHAARRRE. What's NOT to like?

4. When someone praise your baby for being so clever, you
    a. Say, “Are you sure? She’s pretty dense. All she does is sleep and cry and eat”
    b. Say thank you for noticing
    c. Immediately invite her to marry your husband so you guys can be sister wives
   d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.

5. When someone wants to hold your baby, you
    a. Say, “Here. You can send her back to me next month”
    b. Say, “Ok. But watch out for his drool”
    c. Glare menacingly and ask you to fill in Borang A, Borang B and Borang C, photostate IC, passport and get you to buy a RM10, 000 worth of Insurance policy.
   d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.

6. When someone said your baby is fat, you
     a. Prick your baby with a pin expecting her to deflate like a balloon.
     b. Politely correct that person by saying your baby is healthy.
     c. Immediately write an angry post in your blog cursing and calling people idiot, dickhead and put a hex on them with untreated cancer disease curse.
    d. Swallow that person and give one huge belch.



Scoring:

Mostly A: I hope you are trying to be funny.
Mostly B: You are a mother. A normal one. Thank god.
Mostly C: You are weird.
Mostly D: You are actually a real life monster and your best friend is Mike Wazowski.