When I was in my early 20’s, I dated a guy who said, “You
know, when I first met you, I thought you were a rich girl. You know, come from
a wealthy family because the way you bring yourself, the way you dress up etc”
I didn’t think much of his remark that time but turns out, subconsciously, it
became the foundation of our relationship where throughout the time I was with
him, I became the “pleaser”. All I did was to please him and turned myself into
somebody he wanted. It was like, I was trying to make him forget that I came
from a poor background so he won’t look down on me and leave me. I ended the toxic relationship.
At the same time, a friend from a rich family like to point
out that I carried myself as if I was the same standard as she is. And she likes
to tell people who first met me that “Oh Balkizz is not like us. She’s very
poor actually. She looks rich because all her clothes are my old clothes”. Took
me few years to have the guts to walk away from that “friendship”.
The good thing about these two is that they taught me to
never take shit from people ever again. I never hide the fact that I’m not
wealthy nor do I ever feel ashamed of my background. In my naïve thinking, I
was never poor. I thought my family’s financial state was normal because we still
have food and roof above our head. So I actually never see the huge gap between
my situations with those of my wealthy friends (I’m always surrounded by
ridiculously wealthy people who called me their friend)
You see, he way I view life; achievement, money and
standards are a direct reflection of my peer groups. My peers were the
fortunate one born from a well off parents who can afford anything they want.
They don’t see impossible in their path. They see opportunity and easy way life
because they were given resources to achieve whatever they want.
The downside of this peer group is that it made me such a
materialistic person. I was heavily in debt just to appease my thirst of having
things (I’ve grown out of this thank God!)
The upside of having this peer group is that they raised my
standard in life. I’m not saying standard like having luxury items and such but
standard in term of seeing life and achievements. You see, when I was young, I
didn’t look up to my friends but I look up to their parents. Their parents
achieve a high level of standard that I aspire to become. Seeing them enjoying
the fruit of their labor gives me certainty that I too can become like them
(I’m a sucker for successful people. That’s why when I was in Shell, I always
seek to be among the leaders because their charisma, their thinking, their way
of working was my fuel)
When I quit working, everyone knows I choose to become a
SAHM while selling JTT at the same time. I was told that when I leave Shell, I
would not longer have a high standard life. I understand what he meant. I mean,
what is so glamorous about being a mom at home and selling a local product door
to door?
When I went to Singapore and attend one of the most
expensive life seminars, I heard whispers behind my back asking how could
afford it? It’s funny to hear people asking “How much is the seminar? Where did
I stay? How much was my hotel? My flight ticket?”
When I buy expensive things for myself, some people said I
should just use cheaper product and that I was wasting my money. Their thinking
is that I should live within my means because I’m just a SAHM and that I should
learn to accept that this is my standard of life now.
People’s perception on me now is opposite of when I was
young. People no longer assume my status in life is at the highest rank because
they can see that my house is small and mediocre, I drive a cheap family car
made in Malaysia, I send my kids to a normal school, I seldom travel and I
don’t have luxury items posted in my social media.
That’s why when they see me spending a bit more than the bar
their mind set on me, their alarm went off. “ALERT! ALERT! BALKIZZ IS GETTING
AN EXPENSIVE THING! ALERT! ALERT!” and they get uncomfortable and unhappy.
Human being is a predictable creature. They want things
around them to stay the same and at the same time they want unpredictability
too but the unpredictable part MUST be something that they can accept.
It goes with people around me. They cannot accept that I’m
getting ahead of myself. I should stay constant in the state that they already
comfortable with. If I fly too high, they get agitated. They cannot accept it.
But if they get higher in life than me, it’s perfectly fine as long as I stay
where they want me to be.
Yes, this is the same case with my friend who likes to point
out to people that I was her “poor friend”. By putting me down, she feels like
she had controls over me. Most people, having control is like the essence of
their life. They need things to be constant and predictable but occasionally
they push their boundaries a bit to taste the unpredictability in life. That’s
why people travel to foreign country and the next time they travel, they tend
to go back to the place they already went because it feeds their “predictable”
need.
I’m lucky that I don’t have that many toxic friends. I do
have friends who are very supportive and celebrate when I break my glass
ceiling. These friends I cherish and I need in life. Not because they are my
cheerleaders but because they too have high standards and put high demands on
themselves and I aspire to be like them.
